Hey! 

So I am anonymously writing this and I go by the pronouns they/them. I'm a non binary lesbian. 


Coming to my journey, if I remember correctly, the first time I actually had a thought about it was when I was 11 years old. I was pretty homophobic back then but that was the first time when we had 6 different teachers for 6 different subjects in school. Even though now that I think about it, it sounds pretty wrong, but I was quite attracted to a few of my teachers then, but again, the thought of me being a lesbian never crossed my mind because I was so caught up in the heteronormative expectations that I just knew in my head that I HAD to be straight or that being queer is some sort of a disease or worse. And that comes from what we have been fed from a very young age as a part of a society, but what I'm grateful for is that, I'm constantly learning and unlearning. 

Fun fact, for a long time I thought that what I felt towards women, or anyone who identifies as a woman, is genetic. 

So I would keep a watch on how my mom or dad felt around their friends, but obviously that got me nowhere. 


As I grew older, I was attracted to quite a few women in school or elsewhere, but I never understood why I felt the way that I did. I tried to force myself to like men, faked crushes, just to fit into the gossips or to have something to answer to when they ask about "my crush" (which obviously being a man was normal). But none of that ever helped. 


A LOT later, when I was 16 years old, it was December of 2019, someone had asked me about my preferences and they were a lot older, not one of my friends specifically, so I could tell them that I am actually attracted to women, which is when I started questioning. The reason why I could tell them is because I knew that we were never going to have this conversation in real life because we would barely see each other. 


 By then I had had a crush on a lot of my very close friends, and in January 2020, I felt attracted to someone very close to me. I came out to them on 4th Feb, as a bisexual, because maybe it came from my own internalised homophobia that I just couldn't label myself a lesbian and I basically made a lot of dumb points to prove that I'm indeed a bisexual. After that I started coming out to a few other friends and started being a little open about it. I wasn't very educated about things then, but later that year, in May, I joined this social media app where I met a lot of queer people and that is what changed everything for me. I found queer people like me so it gave me the courage to finally tell people that I was "gay". Again I didn't really feel like labelling myself as a lesbian because of how it's overly sexualised. But sooner I realised that that's not my problem and so I started identifying myself as a lesbian.


I came out to my sibling in October 2020 and it was very emotional. They told me that they'll do everything that they can to support me when I come out to my parents about it and will be by my side throughout. That felt safe and I felt so relieved when I could tell at least one family member about it. I haven't told my parents yet, which is also why I have chosen to be anonymous over here, because I need my time to come out to them and the last thing I want is, them knowing through someone else about it, even before I get to explain it to them from my point of view. 


That being said, if you're questioning or either way, if you ever feel like talking to me about anything regarding this, you can always reach out to me via this page. I assure you that my account will be a safe place for you. I cannot promise you the best solutions ever or a conversation that will comfort you, but I'll always be there to talk about it. The main reason why I decided to do this even though I'm scared of my family knowing is because if I happen to help even a single person via this, it'll make my heart so happy. Also, I have talked a lot about labels over here, but that's what I personally dealt with and gave a lot of importance to, but honestly labels don't even matter, you do you!


Also, everything that I narrated over here  is all personal, so it doesn't mean that it has to be the same or even slightly similar in your case, everyone has different experiences. Never feel the need to rush into any decisions about yourself, take your time, it's your life. 


I hope you find the answers to all your questions if you're questioning your identity too, sending you lots of love!