Let's start with a little introduction. I'm writing this article anonymously but you can just call me Waffles in your head - it's my favourite food. I’m 16 and identify as queer. If you want to go into specifics I’m genderfluid bisexual. My gender exists on a spectrum that changes regularly so I go by He/She/They pronouns. I think that’s enough talking about myself; let's move on and talk about Me.

 

I realised i was bisexual before I ever questioned my gender. Everyone who’s ever asked me to recount the story of how I “knew”, expected a tale of mixed emotions, conflicting inner monologues of my Truth vs What I Was Raised to Think, and then finally, the moment when I realised i was queer to be some sort of climactic point in my story with epic background music and all. It really wasn’t. I came out to myself at 13 when I saw a girl who I was friends with walking towards me and she looked like the most beautiful person I’d seen. A few months after this I spent some time debating if the reason I wanted to hang out with her all the time and listen to every word she said was because “I just really want to be best friends with her”. I never had trouble accepting myself- all thanks to one of my friends who also came out to me as I did to them but that's not my story to tell. I ended up coming out to my best friends later that year, in the middle of a school lunch break, completely bawling because I thought they’d never talk to me again. 

Funnily, they have never treated me any differently (I was truly robbed of my Love, Simon-esque drama). They would whoop and elbow me everytime the girl I liked walked by and they still make fun of how bad I am at talking to people I like; just like you would for any of your friends. I genuinely would not have it any other way.


I came out as genderfluid much more recently. It was late 2019 when the term sparked my interest and never really left my mind after I'd learnt about it. At this point, I’d made a good handful of queer and trans friends and decided to ask one of them about all the complicated feelings i had regarding my gender. I’d never had gender dysphoria or an explicit dislike for my body which only made figuring things out harder. By now, I've recognised that gender is not about dysphoria. It's not about pain or waking up everyday to hate parts of yourself and looking at trans-ness through that lens is just ignorant. Instead, the trans experience is more about gender euphoria. What brings you joy. For me, being referred to in masculine terms is elating and for others it’s getting surgeries to reduce dysphoria. It's what works for you and what satisfies and brings happiness to you.


If you asked me to explain my gender to you today, I would probably stumble on my words and never give a definite answer. It's because i don't have words to give to it. That doesn't mean I'm confused or unsure about it, it only means that my gender exists on an incomprehensible spectrum and defining it as one specific thing feels disingenuous. I remember cycling through a bunch of labels to find one that just felt right. Even though I found myself a label that I find immense comfort in, not finding one is also completely normal. Gender is confusing and messy and labelling yours is limiting it to a set societal box when its very nature is to defy cisnormative terms. 


Having a complicated relationship with gender and being bisexual has never caused me many overt problems. I've never been called a slur or been hurt because of how I identify and that makes me an extremely lucky minority in the community. One kid did call me a lesbian in front of  a teacher once but I don't hold it against him because the shock on her face when I didn’t deny it was worth it.

However, this doesn't mean people haven't been creepy, rude or straight up weird about any of it. I’ve recieved a lot of waggling eyebrows from boys when they find out i like women (yes, this always leads to a question about sex). I also receive the occasional “that doesn't exist”. Being reduced to either an object to be fetishized or just wholly dismissed is nauseating. 

Being genderfluid, one of my main issues is constantly only being referred to as “a girl” or only with She/her pronouns even though my social media bio lists out my pronouns. And don’t get me wrong, I don't expect strangers on the street to see me and immediately know my pronouns. I present myself to the world femininely and wear skirts and do makeup but none of those facts make me any less trans or warrant the use of She/her pronouns exclusively. I have days when I wear a dress and look handsome and days when I wear a suit and look pretty. My presentation is only an aspect of my gender and everyone choosing to ignore my pronouns due to what clothes I wear is probably the most annoying part of it all.


One of the questions I was asked for this article was: why are you doing this anonymously?

It stuck out to me. One of the hardest parts of being queer is hiding yourself after you know who you are. It's the getting used to your family teasing you about “your future husband” knowing full well that there's a chance you’ll never marry a man. It's the smiling politely when you get misgendered over and over again because you know telling someone about your gender will cause a scene. And it's the coming out to your family over and over, being dismissed every time because they don’t think you’re old enough, and then finally giving up on correcting them because it sucks out your entire energy.

So I'm not doing this anonymously because I'm ashamed of who I am. Infact, every day I'm more outspoken about my identity because I know that taking up space in our cisheteronormative society is the only way I’ll ever have a place for myself- and more importantly every queer kid who's just starting out- in the world. I'm doing this anonymously to protect my space that I’ve created for myself and others like me because i realise how important this bubble can be for people, especially younger queer kids.


My last few words go out to everyone reading this but especially to the younger audience.

Questioning your identity, whether it be gender or sexuality, is never wrong. Question everything. The world is a complicated place and your comfort and identity will become some of the simplest things about it once you figure them out. You will grow and change and try new things. Your sexuality might not be the same 10 years down the line and in those moments I want you to remember that changing your identity to your comfort doesn’t mean you ever faked it or were wrong about yourself. To change is to be human and that applies to all aspects of you.


Coming out and being unabashedly queer is liberating. Never fear it. Take up all the space in the world and make people uncomfortable with how content in your own skin you are. Do you feel like changing your pronouns everyday or start going by a new name? Do it. People will always have a problem with what you do but always remember that none of it will last. You will be fine.


To paraphrase what one of my best friends once said to me: “never tailor yourself to the most privileged person in the room, because its more than likely that everything has been tailored to their taste...you talk about the things you want to talk about and portray the things you want to portray...we have to make sure that our content makes people like us feel seen. That is our only responsibility”